For centuries now children have
been compared to a “tabula rasa” meaning blank state as stated by
educationalist John Locke. The basic premise being children are neither good
nor bad and their personality is shaped by their experiences over a period of
time making them impressionable from a young age. There are many parallels
drawn since comparing children to soft clay that can be moulded, a blank canvas
that can turn into any painting etc.
Here is something for us to reflect
on a little –
In the whole process of providing
meaningful experiences, shaping, moulding and influencing the child, have we
taken it too far?
Does providing them with
experiences mean telling them what to do?
Are we encouraging self thought
and reflection of one’s actions by constantly pointing out the right from the
wrong?
In a time and age when ideas,
thoughts and ways of life are changing we as parents, professionals, educators
find it increasingly difficult to maintain a balance between holding on and
letting go. Traditional Indian society focused on raising children, nurturing
them and inculcating in them good values and morals. Modern India needs a new
generation with strong values and a balanced head which can be tricky. The best
gift you can give a child is by urging your child to invest in their interests
and encouraging them to venture into pathways that are unusual yet satisfying
their thirst for intellectual curiosity.
Free will vs freedom
of choice?
Looking at the two terms closely,
they can be deceptively similar, but are they really? Every age and stage of
development requires a change in parenting styles and it is constant tug of war
for control between you and the child. Does it really have to be so? Is it so
important to stamp your authority or not let children exercise their choice?
Looking back on my childhood, it was a lot different to children today, being
told what to do and may be even how to do it but more importantly it was
accompanied with a why to do it explanation? And that made all the difference
in my consent to doing things because it was always supported by a logical reasoning.
Here is a small exercise to try
at home –
Giving your child an opportunity
to exercise their choice is good but how can you possibly do it without making
your child feel like each time their choice is being shot down.
Example – you are about to go out
for dinner and ask your child to get dressed,
With a 3 or 4 year old child set
out 2 different pair of clothes and let them choose between the two in this way
you are allowing the child to make an independent decision which is not going
to be refuted.
With an older child ask them to
get dressed and if you find that what they have chosen is inappropriate,
instead of demanding that they change, ask them a series of questions?
Your outfit looks very
comfortable, but do you think it is appropriate for this occasion?
Would do dress in the same way if
you were going with your group of friends?
Is it ok to be wearing a summer
dress in winter and vice versa?
By asking them these questions
you are encouraging them to reflect on their choice and think about the
possible consequences of their action.
Reflective practice is a life skill that can change the way one thinks
and the outcome of one’s actions. Reflection again can be done during the action
and after the action i.e. reflection in action and reflection on action. It can
be a challenge at first and needs to be done regularly so becomes a habit and a
part of your personality. Reflection and
critical thinking are major life skills that guide us towards sound decision
making that is both meaningful and purposeful. However these are not life
skills that can be taught by books, teaching in a classroom or studying. These
are skills that are developed by our experiences and how we respond to these
experiences.
Using words like no, stop, don’t
it all the time makes children feel less confident and less sure of their
action. Instead replace these with what are you doing? Why are you doing it?
How do you think it makes me feel? Making children feel responsible for their
actions and reflecting on them is crucial to helping them make better choices.
All our actions are supported by some emotions or result in some emotions, draw
attentions to the emotional feelings it causes in the person performing the
action and the person who is affected by it.
For each statement put yourself
in the shoes of the person saying the words and then reflect on how that would
make you feel if you were at the receiving end.
No, don’t do it.
Person –
Recipient –
Why do you do it all the time?
Person –
Recipient –
I say stop and I mean it.
Person –
Recipient –
If you had listened to me this
would never have happened.
Person –
Recipient –
Food for thought#
Don't ask your child to become someone or something rather show them what they truly are!!
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